UN-Hinged: Is online dating really the best way to find your soul mate?

It may just be me being a little ‘out there’, but I’m finding it increasingly difficult to get a date these days. And before you label me as a ‘desperate, needy bitch’, I am okay living the single life. But I’d just like to go on a bike ride, eat cake, go for a run or go skiing with a man. It’s really not about getting ‘freaky’ beneath the sheets.

And once again, when I voice my frustrations, my mum pipes up (with one of her Joy-isms), ‘Charlotte, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.’

But I just want to go for a cycle, eat cake and, perhaps, if I’m feeling really brave, have a cheeky snog at the end.

So desperate times, call for desperate measures. I did the unnatural thing and signed up for a ridiculous number of data apps. It cost a flipping fortune, and I sadly realised the money spent searching for a man could have enabled me to buy a new pair of running shoes. Cinderella did not have to choose between her Prince and her shoes; the lucky bitch had it all!

Cue the apps: Sportspartner, Fitness Singles, Hinge, Tinder, Bumble and the list goes on… I tried them all.

Now, life is rarely straight forward with me and things inevitably go wrong. To help you visualise my ineptitude, I was recently branded ‘B-tech Bridget Jones’!  My first cardinal error came in the form of me breaking the laws of Hinge and now I am delighted to say I have received a life-time ban (no joke). But to be honest, I’m quite proud of my penalty. Being a little reluctant to put myself out there on my first dating app, I used a picture of Gal Gadot in her role as Wonder Woman. And before you get all judgy, I didn’t know the rules and I identity as Wonder Woman. When I look in the mirror in the morning, I see a gorgeous brunette with a great pair of tits (I wish). So, I wanted to peruse the men before I got sucked into the inane back and forth questioning. But as I broke one of the Hinge commandments, my experience of Hinge was short-lived and I have been officially ‘unhinged’.

But not be deterred, I continued my quest. Next app: Sportspartner. I got communicating with a Swiss boy (oh, the possibilities) doing summer work in Birmingham. That should have been the first red flag. Who on earth decides, ‘I shall leave Switzerland to go and work in Birmingham’? The online conversation flowed about sport, I got complimented, discussed meeting up and then…cold feet. Fail number 2.

Fail number 3, was a little more entertaining. Another day, another app. Introducing Pervy Ben. Well, we matched and then I soon realised that Ben was only after one thing! Every single thing I said was turned into a double-entendre – it was quite impressive. Crikey, the boy had a very vivid imagination and I know he definitely wasn’t into my verbal dexterity. Everything seemed to come back to my Lycra running knickers! Thus, Ben earned himself the title, ‘Pervy Ben’. I tried to arrange meeting up, in a café, a little concerned that he might try to dry hump my leg, but at least I would be in a public setting. But then he unfollowed me. How dare I suggest eating cake? However, Ben was resurrected a week later and that’s when I enjoyed a petty moment, when I pressed ‘block’. RIP relationship with Ben!

But the most thrilling fails came in the form of a catfish! So, Tinder gave me Joe. A Doctor, or so I thought. And he was a breath of fresh air after the perversion of Ben. Apparently, Joe was a runner. Tick. Joe was polite, interesting and very respectful. Big tick. He’d been to Leeds studying Medicine. Very big tick. Now he was a resident Doctor in Manchester. So, when we ‘matched’, I was pretty excited. Pictures on Tinder were of him playing rugby, pictured with his family and graduating from university. He was very plausible and very charming. He reached out suggesting we go running and eat cake afterwards. Okay, so it wasn’t cycling (that’s the dream) but it’s exercise, followed by cake. Great. We arranged a location and a date.

What did my mum say?

‘How exciting! I’m glad you’ve met someone.’

No.

‘He sounds nice.’

No.

Her first words were: ‘He sounds too good to be true’.

Now my mum might not be blessed with tact, but her detective skills rival Hercule Poirot. I went to work, only to be greeted by a message from her on my lunch break.

The message went like this: Charlotte, you’ve been catfished. Dr Joe does not exist. He has stolen Engineer Joe’s identity and is using his photos and masquerading as him.

How very exciting! Sadly, I didn’t meet Joe in Manchester. The very pleasant Doctor was probably a 60-year old man according to my mum. Someone at work told me he was probably part of a gang ready to mug me. And I realised that Tinder has provided me with a work of fiction. Thanks, Tinder!

So, the lessons? I always think as long as you learn something in life, the experience is never wasted.

1. Do your research. Do a photo search, get their IG or find their socials. If they are genuine and worth meeting, they will be upfront and open about who they are.

2. Arrange a call beforehand. Have a chat online before you meet in person.

3. Internet dating is the most depressing, soleless experience ever. Try everything else before investing time into this. There are run clubs, date nights and so much more out there now.

4. And finally, this is my personal lesson, give up. Give up looking. Resign yourself to the single life. Realise that there is no-one out there. Find a list of nunneries and become a nun. I think I might rock a habit!

Or. And this is my favourite lesson….

5. Book another holiday. South Africa, here I come. I love flying; I love travelling; I’ve fallen in love with the spirit of adventure.

Not only did I not like online dating, online dating did not like me! It despised me, as much as the men using the sites.

But maybe that’s because I am unhinged? Lifetime ban. Ahh well.